Long Shot Of That Jumping Sign~♫ [DREAMWIDTH]

Current Music:	Tears Run Rings -- Marc Almond/Soft Cell
Time:	09:40 pm
Current Location:	Thanatos in Summer
Subject:	07-27-2023
Tags:	video-game
Current Mood:	tired

I originally made a Followers Only Mastodon thread back in May on a friend stress I am dealing with. When it was bugging me a lot because ParcelForce removed the tracking information from the link for it due to the amount of time.

I get horribly lonely and one of the things I wish for most is someone to play video-games or watch stuff together with me. In the past I used to buy people copies of stuff to try to help make that easier, but it never went that way. I would hesitate buying multiplayer games friends were playing even when asked to because I worried they wouldn't actually play with me, or would lose interest and stop playing once I had it. This repeatedly is how things have went. So I stopped doing that, and stopped asking people to do activities with me because it hurt too much. It's the same reason I no longer ask if anyone is around to talk when I am struggling because asking and receiving no response is worst than just trying to distract myself on my own. It also why I limit myself with Animal Crossing despite loving the design and setting. Because I end-up feeling so alone after a while of playing and because of the artificial friendship with the villagers aspect I feel pathetic like I am trying to fill in with things programmed to interact with me.

I have friends, and mostly have better friendships than in the past (don't be friends with someone who you have panic attacks socialising with!). But I don't have friends like other people do. I kinda exist outside like a bystander. I don't have people who will watch stuff with me, or play games together, or even call up. I often feel like I am interjecting myself into spaces or interactions. I used to live tweet audioplays with friends, or watch something while IMing or voice chat. But that was back in the days of MSN Messenger and Gizmo Project. And when I withdrew from online because of the stuff from 2011 most of those friendships moved on to not including me in those activities, or stopped talking to me because I wasn't around for months and didn't respond "correctly" to pressuring or ultimatums/tests. It took my years to feel comfortable interacting because of the wreckage of back then.

And even now through I have friends and fandoms to participate in and that I really enjoy; I spend a lot of time feeling in a cloud of isolation.

But I figured I might as well make a post to get some of those feelings out instead of bottling it up. The friend from the Mastodon thread Follows me on Twitter so I couldn't really vent like I do to get advice or work-out my upset. So here is a DreamWidth post. Below is a quote of the original thread:

{ https://mas.to/@Lady_Noremon/110387749053907091 }

( Read more... )

The hard life time being my stomach issues getting so bad my doctor put me on no work orders, and the terminal diagnosis and hospice care for Minnow. That took all of my energy to deal with anything. The grief and dread everyday during her last 5 months of life. And I couldn't talk to the person I usually would because of the parcel stuff to them hanging over my head. It also made me angry because I ended-up where the money I spent could have been really helpful rather than the waste it was. It wouldn't have been a waste if they had collected the PS4 and such, but it ended-up going to nothing but the Seller to probably resell again. I was so, so excited and that joy draining and dying over those months too.

So here is a post to get things out more longform than a bunch of toots.

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July 26th, 2023