Long Shot Of That Jumping Sign~♫ [DREAMWIDTH]

Time:	07:32 pm
Subject:	I hate my life...
Current Music:	Out In The Rain-Wyren
Current Mood:	uncomfortable

Well today I lost one of the most important things in my life...Matthew. He said it was because he felt like he was using me. I never felt used. But I do now. I gave my heart to him. I loved him. He said he loved me. And then he broke up with me. I have no regrets about our realashonship. Ecept that is about putting my heart into it. What makes it worst is that I still love him. Even after he hurt me, I still love him. He didn't seem as broking up about it as I am. But I can't ever I don't think speak ill of him. I miss him, with each breath I'm taking now. Even as my eyes blur up with tears. I can't help but feel left behind...again. Why do I let myself get involved in people and stuff. I only end up dying inside. Why me? I still wish it had never happened. I remember the hope I still clung to, even as he was uttering "I guess I'm breaking up with you Sarah." I felt as if my heart was ripped from my chest, and in away I guess it was. Matt has been with me though thick and thin. I can't believe last week he called me his "mate", and today he dumps me. And then he's like we can still be friends. He goes even futher to say and maybe sometime we can still.... Geeze what crap. I am not settling for "friends with privilages". I don't like that. He says he feels like he was using me, but wouldn't that be using me? There is no other guy for me in this dump. Matt on the other hand could get just 'about any girl he wants. I'm ugly I know that. Matt says he is but he's not. I have never felt used. Never ever. But now I do. My feelings that is. What makes it worst, is that my cloths, and my bed smell like him. I still love his scent. Eventhough now it makes me sad. I've only been single for like two hours I feel terrible. I wish I didn't have to see him tommorrow. I new something was wrong last night by the way he kissed me. But I never expected for him to leave me. *sigh* How come I can't talk about my emotions in real life, but I can in text. I wish I had told him how I feel. He signed into MSN awhile ago..but I was to angery to talk to him. He said he was upset he didn't cry. Heh yeah right. He could have messaged me, I guess to see how I was. I'll never find someone, who I'll love like him. I guess I can't love hik anymore. I don't think I could be his friend. I don't know why I just don't think I could be. Me and him have gone out for like almost five years. And without warning it's all over. The only time I every feel safe and uber happy is when he held me. Now never again. I'll never feel that way again.

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November 2nd, 2004